The Scary Thing About Silence

July 21, 2020

The world is noisy right now. Everywhere you turn – there’s an issue at hand. Mask or no mask? Red or blue? Stay at home or open up? Who matters and who doesn’t? Send the kids back to school or home school? Processed or organically sourced? Dr. Pepper or Coke Zero? It’s exhausting…it’s stressful…it’s overwhelming…

If you know me personally, I tend to keep on the quiet side until I feel comfortable.  It’s not that I don’t care – it’s that I am a slow processor…like watching paint dry or waiting for grass to grow slow…I have to have all the facts and see things from all angles – know the risk factors and the define the return on investment before I make any kind of decision.  It makes me a great analyst, which is what I do professionally – but has also been the cause of many fights between me and my poor hubby who is quick on the draw and even quicker with the comebacks.

My 2020 vision board and paper planner all included reminders and motivational quotes to help me with my blogger goals but then..BAM!!! Covid-19 came up on all of us like a persistent pimple right in the middle of our forehead that refuses to just go away…and so life as we all came to know it dramatically changed and continues to change. Things are evolving so quickly that it is a huge struggle for people like me to keep up with all the “data” and “facts” that are posted, published and shared…so in true introvert form – I stayed silent and I wanted to wait…so I did.

Two weeks from the first Stay At Home Order, I said “okay”, I am going to fall in line and do my part…and then two months in I started to freak out…like buckle up buttercup this is what watching multiple seasons of the Walking Dead and reading Revelation in the Bible prepped us for…let’s do this kind of freaking out. We are four months in and I’ve scaled it back…and although I have days where I’m “over it”…most days I come back to the end of one of my favorite Bible verses:

“And who knows if perhaps you have come to the kingdom for such a time as this?”
– Esther 4:14

I’ve been down this road before…you all were with me…life in 2017 for me and my family changed in the blink of an eye and I went through almost the same stages of emotions…shock, acceptance, anger, peace…lather, rinse, repeat…

So why now am I breaking my silence? If you have read this far down and were expecting a profound political stance/statement…well then you don’t know me very well.  I am more likely to post a cute puppy picture and ridiculously cheesy motivational, uplifting meme than I am to posting a scathing statement trying to force you to convince you why you’re wrong and I’m right.

I’m breaking the quiet as a reminder to all my readers that each problem, each tragedy, each obstacle that you face…and friend, they will come and continue to come – some bigger than others…is an opportunity for growth and learning.  You can continue to freak out about it – but the only thing you can control in the unknown is how YOU are going to respond.  You cannot change a person’s mind on an issue with CAPS LOCK keyboard warrior-ing and you definitely will not change a person’s mind through shouting and resorting to name-calling.  You also cannot create change by staying silent…so what are you supposed to do? I’m choosing to start with conversation, civil discourse and being kind anyway.

Here’s my personal stance that pretty much sums up all aspects of my life: I’m going to keep loving you – I don’t have to like you or agree with you all the time, but I will continue to love you…Sometimes my love for you means that I’m going to watch you run into that brick wall – but I will be here to help you with the painful recovery.  Sometimes my love for you will be me sitting in front of you telling you truths that are painful for you to hear not to cause you pain but because I want to see you grow and thrive…

I’m also here to remind you that while silence is sometimes a good thing…silence can also be scary.  Speak up…especially when it comes to being an advocate for your own health.  Back in February, I shared with you that I found a lump.  For a cancer survivor, it’s one of the scariest things to find because it’s an immediate warp speed path to the recurrence rabbit hole.

Weeks after a mammogram and an ultrasound, I was sent a letter that said “no cancer found during test” but also a follow-up paragraph saying that just because they didn’t find anything doesn’t mean there isn’t something.  Really reassuring, huh? I fought with my health care provider to follow-up and spent countless hours on the phone trying to schedule an appointment only to get hung up on after being on hold for an infuriating amount of time…only to get to the appointment to be told I had to be referred to a specialist and repeat the process…and then Covid happened and my follow-up progress was dead in the water.  In June, when I switched employers, my husband and I switched health care providers in hopes that going to a PPO meant I could get a little more control.  Within days of switching, I finally got an answer – it’s not cancer it’s a side effect of birth control and nerve damage from radiation.  The IUD (not IED as I embarrassingly found out was a bomb at the doctor’s office…) that my previous health care provider insisted was the solution to getting my cycle regular again after chemo turned out to be the root of the pain in my breast.  It was also the cause of persistent weight gain, mood swings, and fatigue.  All things that my previous doctors had said were “just after effects of cancer”.

I had to speak up and fight in order for doctors to correctly diagnose me. I had to insist that I felt that something was wrong with my body and force the professionals to keep looking even when they wanted to guinea pig approach me.  “Try this prescription” and “let’s wait and see in six months” are not acceptable responses to me.  In places where I can take control of my health, I will choose the most natural, homeopathic solution even if I get the raised eye brow from my doctor.  In places where I need professional advice, I will push the limits, question and challenge until I get a direct answer/solution.  Some of you may be blessed with a great practitioner who works well with you – in my case, I haven’t been.  If you find yourself in a similar place as me, then I encourage you to speak up.  Open the conversation with your healthcare professional.  Please do not go in guns blazing with your Google search/Mayo Clinic self-diagnosis – but do research, print it out and start a dialogue.

“Gently instruct those who oppose the truth. Perhaps God will change those people’s hearts, and they will learn the truth.” – 2 Timothy 2:25

Gentleness is not weakness – in fact, being gentle means that you are in complete control and your actions are being guided by love and compassion. But Avie, where is your jiu jitsu analogy?!? Ah, yes friend, its coming…jiu jitsu is the “gentle art”…strength can get you only so far…but without technique you will never learn how to use that strength more efficiently.  Your words work the same way…you have the power to tear down as much as you have the power to build up with words alone.

What are you going to say today?

The Worst is the Wait…

February 7, 2020

It doesn’t matter how tough or calm I may appear on the outside…when you have had cancer and you find a lump…and the doctors want a follow up right away all bravado goes out the door. It may be nothing..a fluke..a cyst even…but nothing stops your brain from thinking the worst case until you get the official results.

I try to be a positive person in all things. Even when I was going through the worst of it during chemo and radiation, I kept my outlook bright and my hopes held high. Don’t get me wrong, there were days when I failed miserably and I let the Enemy sit on my shoulder and let my mind wander through some pretty dark hallways for a little bit…but I never stayed there.

It’s been a couple of years for me being in remission. The clean bill of health was given to me in 2018 but it still lingers in the backdrop that it could always come back. A few months ago I started noticing some pain in my right breast – the same side George (my tumor) made homebase and the same side I had some pretty gnarly radiation shot through me. I thought maybe I bruised myself training jiu jitsu without even noticing but the pain hasn’t gone away. In fact, in the last month it’s been getting more painful and some funky things are happening in that area.

So right now I’m sitting at Kaiser, in the waiting room trying to hold the nasty thoughts from creeping in but man it’s hard. What if nothing is actually something…because it was a huge risk that the doctors talked to me about when we decided that I need to do radiation. What if this means I have to do chemo and surgery and all the side effects all over again? What if, what if, what if….

The only thing I can control right now is my mindset…If it’s something and not nothing well then – been there, done that – and I’ll just have to kick cancer in the butt AGAIN. The waiting is the hardest part…just like the lead up when you fight in a tournament. The fighting is the easy part, the waiting right before you go and the wait before the ref makes a decision is the worst…two weeks until I get a response and I can either spend it going over the worst case or I can keep on keeping on…

I could use the extra prayers not just for clean results…but to protect my mindset and Tim’stoo. This will be on his mind as much as mine so we could both use the extra support…

Isaiah 43:1 – “Don’t fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are Mine.”

No Testimony without a Test

September 16, 2019

One day you will tell your story of how you’ve overcome what you’re going through now…and it will become part of someone else’s survival guide. – Unknown

Read that again, and again, and one more time – until it settles and burrows into your mind.  I had cancer, but I beat it, and then I continue to slap it in the face by getting stronger than I was three years ago – in more ways than one.

Cancer tried to strip me of my glass-is-not-empty-there’s-just-more-room-for-Dr.Pepper- attitude.  It tried to force me down and leave me beaten..but this girl fights – and this girl fights HARD.

I know who I am because I know He knows me.

So thank you, George, for coming into our lives unannounced like a bull in a china shop trying to break everything in sight…because if it hadn’t been for you, I wouldn’t be the me I am today…I’ve been introduced to so many new people, been to more places, and had doors opened for me because of you, cancer…I love harder, I breathe easier, I laugh louder and I choose to turn that test into my testimony.

Thank you Cancer Health Magazine for giving me a chance to share a little piece of my story.  Read my article from the Cancer Health Fall 2019 edition here: https://www.cancerhealth.com/article/turned-blue-last-night-avie-barron

I have lots more to write and lots more to say….so if you want to keep on following my story, stay tuned…

It’s Just a Thing

August 23, 2019

A wise old man once said, “It’s just a thing!” – thanks Coach Orlando! Scorching hot weather? It’s just a thing. Competing while hundreds of people are watching? It’s just a thing. Oh, you had cancer? It’s just a thing! Such a simple reminder that your mindset and your perspective on things makes a world of difference…

Yesterday, I competed in Las Vegas for the International Brazilian Jiu Jitsu Federation (IBJJF) World Master Championship. Jiu Jitsu competitors come from all over the place to put their training to the test and compete. It was my first big deal competition as a new blue belt and my bracket was pretty large – 30 ladies all around my same age and weight class. There was a brief moment of freaking out when I went to put my gi on and it finally sunk in that I was really doing this. But then Orlando’s reminder of “Its just a thing” popped in my head and I let THAT sink in and chose to let the anxiety calm down.

It’s. Just. A. Thing.
Breathe.

I may or may not have freaked out the husband with how calm and relaxed I was being right before I had to officially weigh in and step into the bullpen (for you non-Jiu Jitsu readers – that’s the area the competitors have to wait in right before the fight.) I was quiet and collected – while others were warming up and putting their “mean mug” faces on I decided to sit and do something I’m not sure most competitors do – I prayed for my opponent. I prayed, win or lose, that me and the girl I was set to fight against, would be kept from injury and I prayed over both of us that we would come out of the match with both our heads held high regardless of the outcome.

Tim giving me my good luck smooch before my fight.

Jiu Jitsu is a highly competitive sport. I knew I was going in there with a slight disadvantage being a newer blue belt and also because I had hurt my back training a few weeks ago and my body wasn’t 100%. I have been training for this for months and I wasn’t going to hand over the fight. You are supposed to fight for the win and trust me I fought my hardest! But at the end of the match the score was 5-2. I lost.

Did I lose my cool like I had seen earlier competitors do? Did I cry out of disappointment or growl in frustration or anger? Heck NO! I smiled at the tough woman I just fought with and I told her she was great to compete with – definitely a good match for me as she challenged me as much as I did her! And as we walked off the mat, she put her arm around me and let’s just say in very “colorful” language that she was a little mad at me because she didn’t realize how “strong” I would be and how she would have to go into her next fight exhausted because I gave her such a hard time. She had underestimated me when she was sizing me up in the bullpen and thought I was going to be an “easy” win. I laughed with her and wished her nothing but the best as she moved on to the next fight to get to gold and I told her I hoped we fought again in the future! And then I walked out of the competition ring with my head held high and a smile on my face because I had so much freaking FUN. I lost but – it’s just a thing.

I had three goals I set for myself before this fight: 1) get down to a lower weight class, 2)go for deep half guard (a position I’d been focusing on in my training) and 3) don’t tap out. I went down from 155 lbs in December (thanks chemo and steroids) to 135. I got to the deep half position I wanted to be in and got a sweep. I didn’t tap and I fought the whole 5 minutes. In the end, I lost by points and not by a submission. I met every goal I set for myself and I was happy with the result. Would it have been cool to win and get a chance to medal? Of course! But – it’s just a thing. Jiu jitsu isn’t going away anytime soon and there’s always next year to look forward to. In the mean time, I walked away knowing that I succeeded in what I set out to do and now I can go back to the drawing board and improve how I fight.

I could spend hours rewatching the video of my match and analyzing what I did wrong and how I should have moved. I could wallow in my loss and be upset that my back issues limited my movement . Folks, there’s a lot of what-ifs and should-haves, but at the end of the day….you got it: it’s just a thing. When you change your mindset, you can give yourself the reward of seeing a hard thing as an opportunity for failure or an opportunity for growth through the adversity.

“And we know that for those who love God all thing work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” – Romans 8:28

Yesterday, my Facebook account did that thing where it showed me a memory from a few years ago. The picture shows me, well into my 3rd round of chemo at the time, surrounded by some of the fierce ladies I train with on my team back in 2017. Back then, I had no idea if I was going to be able to beat the cancer or if the chemo and radiation was going to make my body so weak that I wouldn’t be able to keep training. But two years later, I’m healthy and happy. I have days when the aftermath of chemo hit me harder. My body is still purging the chemicals and damage from the treatments, but I know that the recovery is slow and may take a few more years or I may not fully recovery completely. But – it’s just a thing.

My head is so SHINY! Love my mat sisters!

Cancer is a killjoy – can I get an amen!?! But despite that short season for me, it has also given me opportunities that I would never had before. I’ve met new faces and experienced much more because my mindset has shifted. Another good friend said to me “You don’t have to – you get to.” No matter what I lose, how I feel, or what is going on – I get to choose how to handle it and how to react to it because that’s the only thing I can control. God has got the rest of it because I choose to hand that to over to Him. You, my friend, have that same ability. You can hang on to the regret, the bitterness, the disappointment, the hurt – or you can hand it over and lay it at His feet.

Going to end this one as a tribute to my favorite training partner: my husband. He fights later today! Thanks, babe for being more anxious and nervous for me yesterday and being my loudest cheerleader even though I couldn’t hear you from the mat.

“Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place, and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it.

You, me or nobody is going to hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done!

Now if you know you’re worth, then go out and get what you’re worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain’t you. You’re better than that!” – Rocky Balboa

No matter what:  Keep breathing. Keep fighting. It’s just a thing.

Mission Possible

May 14, 2019

I woke up this last Sunday morning to a small, bright yellow package sitting on my nightstand from our son, Eli and next to that a pretty paper bag hand painted by our daughter, Paige and next to that a sweet card, hand-drawn by our oldest, Jamie.  It was Mother’s Day and even though some people roll their eyes at the cliché Hallmark holiday, I cherish it – especially in life after cancer.

One of the major side effects of chemo is infertility.  Even before my own diagnosis, this is something that Tim and I had to face because of Tim’s cancer before we were even married.   We were still dating in 2004 when we had to have a conversation of whether or not I would be OK with the possibility of going through in-vitro fertilization treatments or not even being able to have children at all with him.  It was a pretty heavy conversation to have at the age of 20 when most people my age were still deciding on moving out of their parents’ house or what college major to settle on.  The doctors explained to us that what chemo didn’t destroy in Tim’s reproductive system would be wiped out because of Tim’s following surgeries and that getting pregnant the natural way would be “nearly impossible.”

We got pregnant without IVF or medical intervention three years after Tim went into remission and our first daughter was born in 2007.  Soon after we had our first-born, I had some major medical issues of my own and had to have one of my Fallopian tubes removed due to an ectopic pregnancy.  Once again, the doctors sat with us and explained that with Tim’s history and my medical situation, another pregnancy would be “nearly impossible.”  Our second daughter, Paige was born in 2011 and then our son, Elijah was born in 2012.

“I am the LORD, the God of all mankind.  Is anything too hard for me?”
– Jeremiah 32:27

When I was diagnosed in 2017, infertility was not something that I was worried about any more – we had been blessed with our three miracle babies and we had already decided we were done growing our family.  While we had defied odds and done the “impossible” by bringing three tiny humans into the world – cancer slapped me in the face with the possibility that my kids would be forced to grow up without their mom.  

Realistically, I knew that my chance of survival was super high – but it didn’t stop my brain from sometimes playing out the worst case scenario and letting morbid thoughts run rampant.  There were lots of times during my treatments where I would be in a good place mentally and then all of a sudden the thought would cross my mind: what if I don’t make it through this? Satan would find a crack in my confidence and allow fear to fester – not just my own fear but also those of my family.

The fear of me dying was something that my kids – especially the younger two, would constantly be worried about no matter how hard Tim and I would reassure them.  If the chemo was being particularly nasty and I was sleeping more often, my kids would freak out and start watching me extra closely.  I spent a few times trying to hold back tears as my son would look at me and ask if he could visit me in heaven if I did die.  I remember one time feeling like a big fat liar, looking at Paige and telling her that I would still be around to watch her walk across the stage at her graduation and secretly asking myself in my head if that was really going to happen.

Thinking of a future where my kids and husband would have to continue on without me around was overwhelming and unsettling. It’s not impossible that at any given moment cancer could come back, I could be in a freak accident, I could be here one moment and then be gone the next, Avenger: Endgame style.    

“Yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring.  What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.” – James 4:14

While it’s heartbreaking to imagine a future for my children without me there – it’s also heartbreaking to imagine me leaving behind a legacy of my children living in fear instead of knowing God’s promises.   My children are not my children…they are His before they are mine.  My job, for however long that I’m allowed to be here is to make sure that my children know they are loved unconditionally, that they are never alone, that they were created with purpose and intention, that there’s a plan for each of them, and that someone is always fighting with them and for them…that the love Tim and I have for them is minuscule compared to the love that God has for each of them.

Mother’s Day is not a reminder for my kids to buy me flowers or make me breakfast – its a reminder for me that it’s impossible for me to know how long I get to be their mom and that my life – beautiful, messy, complicated and chaotic – is possible only because of Him. 

“She is clothed with strength and dignity, 
and she laughs without fear of the future.” – Proverbs 31:25

 

 

I Turned Blue Last Night

Tuesday, April 2, 2019

Three years ago…I told Tim that I wanted to try a new gym in our hometown.  We had never been there before but we had gone once before to a similar type place and I decided I wanted to try something different.  We signed our waivers and we stepped on the mats with no shoes on.  For the next hour, we were introduced to the basics of jiu jitsu and by the end of the first night we were sore and exhausted…everything ached and I was sure that my face had turned blue at some point from holding my breath from being so nervous and being crushed by other people…

Two years ago…our family got hit with the flu…BAD…all three kids plus the husband were down for the count and I was the last one standing and we couldn’t go to jiu jitsu for almost a week…it was getting harder to breathe and I had started feeling pains in my chest…I figured I had walking pneumonia or bronchitis but with the family sick – I needed to push through…I didn’t have all the other flu symptoms except for not being able to catch my breath…I was probably turning blue because of all the coughing…so I figured I would probably just wait until the next month to get checked out…click here if you don’t know how that turned out…

Last year…my family and I were hiking down the Bright Angel Trail in the Grand Canyon.  It was our first official family vacation and we decided to travel down the canyon for about 3 miles.  I had finished with chemo and radiation at that point and I was huffing and puffing on the way back up the trail.  My lungs were aching and my body was screaming…the kids were starting to get irritated with me dragging behind because I had to keep stopping every time my face turned blue from my lungs giving out…

Last night…I’m standing in front of my coach and jiu jitsu team wondering what was happening…I’m turning blue in front of everyone but for a very different reason…

Confusion. Anxiety. Nervousness…

Heart pounding.  Shortness of breath. Mind racing…

What. Is. Happening?

Exactly three years from us signing up for jiu jitsu, I was presented with a blue belt.

Me and Coach Orlando

In jiu jitsu, you start from the bottom with your white belt and then progress to blue..then to purple…then brown and then black.  The journey from white to black is a long one…most people can get a doctorate degree in the time is takes you to start training jiu jitsu to becoming a black belt and even when you get there you never really stop learning and growing.  It’s a sport that requires a certain level of crazy and stubborn to continually and voluntarily get beat up, choked out, and bruised up by your friends and still say you love it…

Missing a few of my faves but I love getting beat up by this tribe….

The blue belt is a symbol that not only do you know the basics of jiu jitsu but you can demonstrate them…you’re no longer a beginner/noob/bottom of the totem pole…you have been around for enough time to see that it’s not for everyone and you have probably seen more people try it out and leave than you see people stay…

For me, turning blue has much, much more of a meaning…the last three years have tested me, pushed me, and almost broke me…some of you higher belts who don’t know me might be rolling your eyes at the level of cheesiness I’m sharing….but unless you were training next to me and the rest of my CG family you didn’t see that I had to fight George to get here…that I was tempted so many times to just give it all up because I should have just focused on beating the cancer….that I was told over and over by my doctors to stay off the mats but I showed up anyway…..that I had to fight the aches and pains of chemo on top of the normal pain and bruising you get from training…that I kept going even when I couldn’t breathe because I needed the release of pushing myself to avoid the depression of being sick…

Last night I thought I was being punked on April Fools’ Day, but it turns out that I have more than one person in my corner who have enough faith in me to want to see me keep going.

This blue strip of cloth is going to be my reminder that not only did I beat cancer but I crushed that voice inside myself that said I couldn’t and shouldn’t do it…it’s my reminder that I am blessed to keep fighting when so many others have lost their own battle…..it’s my reminder that I have a huge supportive “family” that push me to be better everyday…that if I can get through the last three years of everything that has been thrown at me…that I have no excuse not to keep going because I’m just getting started…

All of them make me better…

Find the thing that pushes you…grows you…challenges you….and do it…stop making the excuse that you’ll do it some day…some day when you’re fitter…some day when you’re less busy…some day when [insert your excuses here]…cancer has a way of showing you that sometimes there is no some day…there’s only today…so make the most of what you have and do something…anything…Find your “thing”…it doesn’t have to be jiu jitsu (although if you want to try it let me know because I know a place…).

^“We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; ¹⁰ always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh.” – 2 Corinthians 4:8-11

 

 

 

Still Breathing….Still Fighting

February 2, 2019

I can feel it again – the tightness in my chest as I try to take a deep, long breath.  My heart rate rises and I can’t hear anything now except for the sound of my heart racing.  Everything around me blurs as I focus on what is about to happen to me.  I try to take another deep breath…as much as I’m able to…and I can hear the tiny rasp in my lungs that have been stunted by the aftermath of chemo and radiation.  My hands ache and my body is tight…and I remind myself that I need to relax.  My mind is racing while I’m trying to keep a calmness about my face…

Don’t hold your breath…
Just breathe…
You can do this.
No you can’t.
What are you doing?
Why are you doing this?!?
Shut up, brain…we’re doing this!

I look up at the person in front of me and then I look to my left and wait for the ref to call out, “Fight!” And for five minutes, I’m fighting…months and months of being on the mat all leading to this moment.  The fight finishes and I stare at the score board: I lost.  I should be mad…but I’m not…instead I decide to stand straight up and hug the girl across from me and tell her she’s amazing.  I fight a second time and I lose again…and I should be even more mad and more disappointed…but I’m not…and I hug this girl too and congratulate her on her win.

Fighting at Tap Cancer Out San Diego. Photo credit: Lisa Lisa Pics

Two years ago, I was standing in the same exact venue in San Diego getting ready to fight in my 2nd jiu jitsu tournament ever.  I didn’t know back then that I was competing while I had a tumor in my lung that was growing bigger every day.  Last Saturday, almost two years later, I was competing again for Tap Cancer Out and found myself standing on the podium in 3rd place knowing I was walking away with more than just a medal.  I could have spent the rest of my day agonizing over every single move I should have done correctly to get that win…but that’s just not my style:

Personal Victory #1 – I wasn’t just a fighter…I was a fighter that survived cancer (and kicked its butt..like HARD)

Personal Victory #2 – My breathing isn’t 100% yet but I didn’t turn blue while I was fighting which means that I’m improving.

Personal Victory #3 – I got back on the mats when the doctors keep telling me I should be more focused on recovering than competing.

All smiles and no sad faces here =)

I no longer have to actively fight cancer…I’m more than over a year into remission but it still hasn’t been the easiest road to recovering.  My breathing is still severely stunted…I’m now having to use a breathing resistance trainer to break up the scar tissue in my lungs – trying to erase the damage done mostly by the radiation treatments.  This tiny little contraption that looks like a mouth guard with a valve at the end makes my lungs burn and my chest ache like I’ve just got done running 5 miles after using it for only 10 minutes.  Twice a day I have to do my rehab and on top of that I also now have an inhaler that I have to use before I do any kind of exercise.  My body is not how it used to be.  On the outside, I may look like I’m doing okay…but I’m still dealing with scar tissue, scars, hormone issues, weight issues from the steroids, fatigue, just to name a few…

People ask how I’m doing and most of the time I’m okay, but there are still days when I cry from being frustrated.  There are days when my body just doesn’t want to respond to what I want it to do.  There are days when my mind just goes on hiatus…it usually starts with an episode of chemo brain…yes, a year after chemo has finished I’m still getting it…  I’m not as sharp as I used to be, I have a hard time concentrating and I struggle when I’m trying to learn something new (which is every time I train..haha).  And usually after I have a really, bad chemo brain episode, I find that it sends me into a mental funk that can last for a few days.

Blogging took a huge back seat for me last year.  You walked with me while I was going through treatment in 2017…to see the ins and outs of chemo and fighting…but I needed to be quiet in 2018.  I needed to find the quiet with Him.  I needed to rest in a different way by letting go of some of the things that I felt like I should be doing or had to be doing.

“For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” – 2 Corinthians 10:3-5

2018 taught me that I need to quiet the old lies and unrealistic expectations I have for myself.  To take my thoughts captive, I have to remind myself that my journey is different.  It’s easy to compare myself to others who don’t have the struggles that I do…to harbor jealousy or resentment against someone because I want to some day be where they are at right now.  Last Saturday was a test of whether I was going to feed my insecurities or face my fears.

2019 is all about the grind for me…The grind meaning that losses don’t make me a loser – but that losing gives me an opportunity to learn and grow.  The grind meaning that I’m setting goals and going to crush them this year and every year God blesses me with.

I’m alive.
I’m a survivor.
I’m stronger now in more ways than I thought I was before cancer.
I’m still here…
I’m still breathing..
and I’m still fighting…

 

The Blessing in the Burden

May 26, 2018 – One Year After My Diagnosis

Today is my cancerversary.  It was this time last year that I was laying in a hospital bed staring at the wall trying to wrap my head around what the doctors had told me earlier in the day:

“There’s no good way to say this but we found a mass on your right upper lung.”
Blink. Blink.
“It’s pretty significant in size and we are going to need to check you in to monitor you over the weekend and hopefully get a biopsy.”
Mass…biopsy…cancer?

What was supposed to be a quick trip to Urgent Care so I could finally start my four day weekend, ended up being the catalyst that turned our lives upside down…I spent the first 3 nights trying to read and research all I could about lymphomas and cancer treatments before I realized that the only thing I needed to be reading was His Word…

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11

The cancer treatments in the last year took a toll on me physically and will still continue to affect me for a long while but one of the things I refuse to let cancer do is destroy my spirit…while most people would look at getting cancer as a burden – I choose to receive it as a blessing…

How can you possibly look at getting cancer as a blessing?!?

Cancer tried to eat away at my peace but I found peace by learning to surrender control and laying my worries and fears at His feet.

Cancer tried to destroy my confidence but I learned to redefine my own definition of beauty and understand what it means that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Cancer tried to keep me isolated but I learned to lean on others and ask for help – to swallow my pride and lose the need to want to do everything on my own.

Cancer tried to convince me that my body was failing me but I learned that it is so much more resilient than I used to give it credit for.

Cancer tried to shatter my hope but I learned that He has a greater purpose for all of it.

Would I have learned all these things if I wasn’t diagnosed with cancer last year? Maybe…but I’ll never know…Cancer DID show up in my life and it tested me, stretched me, push me beyond limits I thought I wouldn’t be able to handle…but a year later I am in remission and I’ve learned so much about myself and have gotten closer to Him in the process…how can anything that draws me into a deeper relationship with God be called anything but a blessing?

 

 

 

The Miracles in the Mess

Day 332, April 24, 2018

You might be going through one of the hardest seasons in your life right now…maybe you’ve heard back from the doctor’s office and are wondering what the future holds for you and the ones you hold dear…or maybe you’ve lost a job and don’t see how God is going to provide for you and your family.  Perhaps, you are experiencing the loss of a loved one or perhaps you are frustrated with where you are in this season of life…you feel hopeless, broken, beaten down and tired….you feel as if God is picking on you and you feel the sting of bitterness growing slowly because things are not working out the way that you wanted it to…whatever you may be going through right now, I want you to trust that there is a reason and there is hope…

Seriously?!? Just shut it you glass-is-half-full-crazy-lady….

WAIT! Before you roll your eyes at me…there’s a reason why you clicked on this post…so bear with me..even if it’s just for a little bit…give me a few minutes before you go back to your pity party…

Many of you know that last Sunday, I was given the opportunity to give my testimony at church (click here to watch it).  It’s funny, because I thought that 10-15 minutes was a long time to be talking in front of people until I actually got up there and then I wished I had a little longer because God had so much to tell the people who were there.  I hope that if you were there, that you were able to take something away from that service…

If you weren’t able to make it, then I want to share with you now of what I think God wants you to hear…If you did go, then here’s the rest of what I need to say…

Suffering of any kind…physical, mental, spiritual, emotional…SUCKS.

NO ONE likes to go through hardship…but the Word tells us:

“Here on earth, you will have many trials and sorrows…” -John 16:33

It doesn’t say, you will go through one trial and then you are good for the rest of your life…it says there will be many…It doesn’t say you might have sorrows…it says you will have them….and there’s nothing you can do…no extra prayers to send up…no extra amount of volunteering to lessen how much is coming (although if you volunteer for our Kid’s Ministry..maybe…just kidding!)….no cave that you can crawl into to avoid it….its coming…

The Word continues the above verse:

“But, take heart, because I have overcome the world…”

When you take something to heart, you are supposed to be encouraged by it..not dismayed or depressed…

Still not clicking with me, Pollyanna…

GOD IS NOT PICKING ON YOU

GOD HAS PICKED YOU FOR A PURPOSE

What Suffering Does:

• Suffering produces intimacy with God.  Job 42:5 tells us, “My ears had heard of you, but now my eyes have seen you.”  Sometimes it is when life has brought us to our knees and we are the most broken that we can finally see Him…see that He hasn’t abandoned you…but that he has been there beside you the whole time…waiting for your vision to clear for you to finally call to Him.
• Suffering equips us to comfort others.  2 Corinthians 1:3-5 reads, “Praise be to the God and Father…the God of all comfort, who comforts us in our troubles, so we can comfort those in any trouble.”  When we experience hurt, we develop compassion for others who are hurting and it allows us to minister to them more effectively.
• Suffering refines us.  Hardship and trials have a way of bringing our strengths and weaknesses to the surface.  We learn that we are able to overcome the unimaginable and we also learn the areas we need help with.  Isaiah 48:10 reads, “See, I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction.”  Suffering is uncomfortable…but God is more concerned with our condition than our comfort…your hard season feels like it is never-ending in the midst of it…but God can work a miracle in trying to transform and purify you because He would rather you be uncomfortable for a little while so that you can be comfortable with Him for eternity.
• Suffering produces growth.  James 1:2-3 tells us to “consider it pure joy” when we face trouble…he tells us to seek joy knowing that God will prove himself and make His promises real to you again…which tells us that it will be worth…all of the pain and hurt and crappiness (not sure that’s a really word….) all of it…will be worth it…When we turn to God in our pain, he can use it to mature our faith.

God can do some of His best work in and through you when you are in the midst of crisis…but you need to seek Him!

Psalm 37:4 tells us:

“Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.”

How are you supposed to take delight in the Lord when the suffering sucks?  Oh friend, I know it does… In the message on Sunday, we heard the story of the woman who had been suffering for 12 years…for 12 years she found no relief and was outcast and seen as unclean.  She had spent all her energy, time, and money trying to figure out what was wrong and still received no relief…and then one morning she heard about this healer passing through her area and when she reached for Jesus’ tassel she was immediately healed.  Jesus tells her, “Daughter, your faith has made you well.” (Luke 8:48)

This woman desired to be physically healed. A desire is something you are committed to pursue…something you want with so much focus and dedication that you are willing to do whatever it takes to receive it…

The translation of the word “well” into Greek is “sozo” – interestingly enough, “sozo” also means “saved”, “delivered” “protected” and also “whole”…sometimes the miracle is not just to make you physically well…but to make you whole…by healing you in ways that you didn’t even realize needed to be healed…

When we turn to Him, we start to see a shift in the desires of our heart……is your desire to just fix the temporary so you are no longer uncomfortable? God can and wants to work a miracle in the middle of your mess…to make you whole…

The Fight Within…

Day 327, Thursday, April 19, 2018

There’s an old Cherokee story that goes like this:

A young boy tells his grandfather, “A fight is going on inside me….”

And his grandfather responds, “It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil–he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.”

He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you–and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: “Which wolf will win?”

The grandfather simply replied, “The one you choose to feed.”

 

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In the months where I was hiding away and trying to be “low-key”, my church leader, Pastor Ryan had approached me and had asked me if I was willing to share again like I did last year when I was first diagnosed.  And so I said yes with a smile on my face but with my internal voices screaming:

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

And as the months went by, I thought:

Whew! That was a close one..he forgot!
So let’s not mention that again…

God knew…
He NEVER forgets.

11 days ago, I asked you to pray for me – specifically and purposefully – that God reveal to me the HOW I am supposed to do what He is asking me to do…and so without missing a beat God answered: I have been asked to share briefly my testimony as our church family delves into our next series on “Miracles” this Sunday, April 22.

Even now as I type and think about speaking in front of people, my hearts starts to race and my palms start to get sweaty…

I hear the old voices in my mind saying, “You are not ready…you are fooling yourself…you should wait a little longer before moving forward…the short time that you’ll be up there will seem like an eternity…plenty of time for you to mess up the words that you are supposed to deliver…”

I refuse to feed that wolf…and I choose instead to follow the call that He is giving…and I choose to drown out the sounds of inferiority, lies, and anxiety with Zach William’s song “Fear Is a Liar”.

I started purposefully praying about this Sunday this last Monday…and every day since then I have prayed deeply and fervently for God to lead me…and the deeper in prayer I soak and the deeper into the Word I dive…the more loudly and clearly I can feel and see His hand on all of this.

I have an overwhelming, powerful and inexplicable emotional feeling of fullness in me…and its so powerful that I can feel it shaking me to my core like a constant electric surge…like a vibration the starts in my heart and spreads throughout me…an absolute and unquestionable confirmation that I am finally moving without hesitation in the direction He has been wanting me to go…and I feel Him saying to me:

Yes, daughter, YES…
FINALLY, you are listening
FINALLY, you are trusting
THIS is the purpose for all this

And also another message from Him that I have yet to process:

This is just the START of what I want you to do for Me…

Will you allow me to share my heart with you and God’s message to you in person this Sunday? Even if Impact isn’t your home church, will you visit with me, just for the day if you can?  I loathe speaking in front of a crowd and it would be comforting for me to see familiar faces in the crowd…for you to hear what He wants to say to you through me…so you can share it with someone who may need it…or maybe bring someone that you know who might need it….

I would so love to pray with you,  over you and connect with you….and to see you in person so I can thank you for being with us during the last year!