Terrible, Horrible, No Good…

Day 30, Monday, June 26, 2017

This morning was the start of a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day…and I let myself get into a bad mood.

Because sometimes I don’t want to be chipper…
and sometimes I just want to be in a bad mood…

I left the house, I forgot my phone at home, I was late getting to where I needed to, I ended up behind the SLOWEST car in the world who wouldn’t let me pass them and insisted on cutting me off, the weather was gross, I need to get a hold of Kaiser for paperwork, I had to go to DMV…where the guard let me wait for an hour outside in the heat before realizing:

“Oh wait, ma’am are you here for a disability placard?”
Was it the bald head? Or the fact that I was going to throw up any minute a hint?
“Well, silly me! I should have let you just jump right ahead in line…”
Yeah…silly you, you (insert inappropriate name calling under my breath)…

On top of everything I felt crappy…like REALLY crappy physically, aching body, puffy face, wedding ring won’t fit…I was hoping that yesterday feeling so good would trickle into today but my body had other plans in mind…

So I slept the afternoon away because if I didn’t, I was going to take my bad attitude out on Tim and the kids and I needed to reign it back in just a bit…and when I woke up it was time for home study..

I don’t want to go…
I don’t want to walk across the street…
I don’t want to socialize…
I don’t wanna! I don’t wanna! I don’t wanna!

Bad days don’t come that often for me, and I try to quickly flip it around as soon as I feel it coming…but today – I just didn’t feel like doing that…today I wanted to sit in my bad mood and just cry because I needed it.

Some days you just need to let yourself sit in the crap…to be frustrated and angry and annoyed…because we are imperfect beings living in a very, very imperfect world…and I’m not going to post happy things all the time…because not everyday is happy…some days just SUCK.

I did end up going to home study and I’m glad that I did…because I wasn’t the only one needed a whole lot of grace today and it was nice to be reminded that we are human…all going through our own stuff everyday…but at the end of that day being able to give it Him and say:

Lord, I’m done with today…I want a fresh start tomorrow…
I’m sorry for the crappy things I did and said today…and tomorrow I’ll probably mess up again…
but tomorrow will be better because You’ll be there with me…

How wonderful it is to have a Father who is willing to forgive me for all my shortcomings…even when I fail Him over and over and over again…who won’t shake His finger at me and go, “I’ve had it!  I’m done for today! And I’m checking out!” and go into “mom-rage” like I tend to do more often than I would like to admit with my own kids…

It’s the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days that I need to remind me that I have been given grace over and over again…that brings me to my knees every time when God bops me on the forehead and says:

Ok, little lady, I let you have your moment…pull it together sister…
-God

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”
-2 Corinthians 12:9

Let There Be Cake

Day 28, Saturday, June 24, 2017

Round 2 Day 2 was not as bad as I thought it would be! Today is my 33rd birthday…not exactly the way I wanted to spend my day laid out on the couch but there will be many more birthdays to come and this one will just be a blip in the radar.

“For through wisdom your days will be many, and years will be added to your life.”
-Proverbs 9:11

We didn’t do anything at all today, mostly because I was scared to leave the couch in fear that I would get really nauseous.  The full body ache is back, as well as the nasty taste in my mouth, and my face and hands are super puffy again…but I was very proud that I didn’t toss my cookies today.

My birthday wish is to not to throw up LOL…never asked for that before!

Thank you to everyone who sent me lots and lots of birthday love through texts, FB posts, phone calls, and birthday cards!  The kids had a birthday party tonight and I asked Tim to take my with him to Target so that I could change the scenery for a little bit.

Don’t worry…my Mortal Combat mask was on..so no germs!

The short walk around the store was enough to tire me out so we didn’t stay very long.  We also went to check on the kids at their party but I couldn’t hang long there either.  It was about 10 p.m. before the kids came home and everyone insisted that I had to blow out my birthday candles so I caved and we are now eating cake at 10:30 at night.

It’s my birthday…I do what I want!

Today was a great day..chemo didn’t stop me from playing this morning with kids or spending a few hours watching my favorite movies with the girls on the couch.  There are so many thing to be grateful for and I refuse to let the side effects side track my day with the family.  Looking forward to what this year has in store for me…cancer or not…God has something planned and its exciting to think of what’s ahead.

“For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!”
-2 Corinthians 4:17

A Private Room & Yogurt

Day 27, Friday, June 23, 2017

Chemo Day.  A little different from the last time, since last time I was still checked into the hospital and this time I had to go to the outpatient chemo lab.  I had a little time before I had to check in at 9:30 a.m., so I decided to walk around the little farmer’s market that Kaiser Riverside hosts on Fridays.  I bought a fresh sweet corn tamale for breakfast and sat outside at a table in the break area and had a little time to calm my nerves.

Why am I so nervous? I’ve done this before…

I was a little more anxious today than the first day they gave me chemo and I’m not really sure why…maybe because I had to check myself in and I wasn’t exhausted?  I checked into the chemo lab on the 4th floor and the nurse took my vitals and weight and had me sit in the waiting room so she could prepare my room…

Ohh….I get a room? Fancy!

Normally, there is a row of chemo lounger chairs in the room – and its first come, first serve seating.  Usually the chairs in the far back are the best since its a little more quiet and a lot less foot traffic.  Somehow, my chemo nurse managed to get me into a private room where I was away from other patients and had my own bed and TV, so that was really nice.  The nurse then brought me back to my room and had me take some allergy medication and started a PICC line in my arm.  The allergy medication, she explained would help prevent the nausea and vomiting while the chemo was dripping.

Private room & my new quilt

Don’t worry..my BP is always low

YAY no central line!

I had to wait 30 minutes for the allergy medicine to work through my system, but my in-laws stopped by to visit with me so it made the time pass quickly while they were there.  Once the 30 minutes are up, the nurse came back with all my chemo cocktails and has to verify my patient ID number with another nurse.  She starts me with Rituximab (antibiotic) first since it is the one that takes the longest.

Tim showed up and brought my lunch around 12:30 p.m. and I had to force myself to eat something.  Around 1:30 p.m., the Rituximab was all finished and it was time to push the Red Devil.

Cap.  Rubber Gown. Gloves. Check.  Two tubes Red Devil this time…great..

My nurse, Iselda was great.  She didn’t push the Red Devil too fast and she gave me a mini heat pack to help my vein not feel so sensitive as the RD was going in.  A sweet friend texted me the music video and it was just the right time to help me not be so anxious about getting the rest of the chemo.

My help comes from You
You’re right here, pulling me through
You carry my weakness, my sickness, my brokenness all on Your shoulders
Your shoulders
My help comes from You
You are my rest, my rescue
I don’t have to see to believe that You’re lifting me up on Your shoulders
Your shoulders
“Shoulders” by For King & Country

After she finished, she hooked me back up to the IV machine to get the C & O of my R–CHOP regimen.  My social worker, Carmilla visited me while I was getting the last two bags and offered to approve a temporary handicap placard…

Better parking spot…bonus!!

I finished everything around 3:15 p.m. and scheduled my next chemo appt. for July 14th.  Not as long as I thought it would take in there but I was still tired from having to sit in the room for six hours.  Tim took me to Yogurtland for an early birthday treat and it made up for the whole day of being stuck to the bed.  We picked up the kids on the way home and as soon as we got back, I crashed on the couch.  Today was not nearly as bad as I had worked it up to be.  Not that the hospital planned this ahead of time, but I felt like I was getting treated by getting my own private room today which I know won’t be the norm.

It’s now 10:30 p.m. and I’m already starting to feel crummy again..I imagine my entire weekend is going to be lots more sleeping and resting…so yay…happy early birthday to me…

Round 1 Done

Day 26, Thursday, June 22, 2017

Today is the last day of Round 1! Only 5 more rounds to go…tomorrow starts Round 2 and I’m not looking forward to it.  My nerves are kicking in…like the day before a big test…not exactly how I planned to celebrate my birthday recovering from chemo but the last two days I’ve been able to take my mind off of tomorrow by spending time with friends.  I’m thankful to have a great group of friends who were able to take me out and give me one last “hurrah”.

“And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.”
-Hebrews 10: 24-25

I had blood work done this afternoon – white blood cell counts are low but not at 0 which is good…not looking forward to getting the medication to boost my counts because I’ve read that the medicine gives you pain in the bones…but someone suggested I take Claritin when I get the medication because it seems to dull the pain a lot.  I’m hoping that my symptoms won’t be too bad but I’m also prepared for the worst – today was a lot of prepping to make sure I have all my prescriptions filled and I picked up a bottle of CBD tincture which is supposed to help.  My visit to the dispensary also taught me that the dispensary I go to offers a “chemo” program which I thought to be kind of cool.  If you show them that you are currently going through treatment, they provide you with two free edibles, a bottle of CBD tincture, and 6 grams of medical marijuana at no charge…their gift to their customers to help with the side effects of the treatment…again breaking the stigma I initially had about dispensaries.

I also was able to pick up some natural body products.  I finally decided to quit being lazy about my skincare routine and I tossed out most of my chemical based products…no more deodorant with aluminum…no more soaps and lotions with ingredients I can’t pronounce…don’t worry, I’m still a firm believer in shaving my armpits and legs so no worries about me smelling funky and au naturale if you go to hug me…I’ve also decided that I need to up my meal prep game and start transitioning the entire family to healthy eating habits.  Up to this point, I’ve only been focusing on me and Tim’s nutrition and keeping us away from processed food.  The kids didn’t like the “healthy” food that I would prep and I didn’t push them….but with everything going on with my own health, I need to push the whole family to get on board with healthier habits.

I’ll be going in for chemo tomorrow at 9:30 a.m. and spending most of the day there…so if I happen to cross your mind tomorrow – send up a quick prayer that things run smoothly…that they don’t have issues with my veins and that the day doesn’t drag on!

Get It Together…

Day 24, Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Rough day today…not just because the heat is ridiculous and suffocating but today I was really struggling.  If I’m going to be honest, I have been feeling really guilty receiving all the gifts and love…I feel like its too much…From the bottom of my heart, I really appreciate everything that everyone has done and will be doing for us but I have never been a good gift receiver…I love giving gifts but its always been awkward for me to receive anything…gifts and compliments…I struggle with getting both…

You all are so thoughtful with the things you’ve blessed me with.  I had some time to sit alone and do some reflection to try to understand why I’ve been struggling with this…and if I’m being brutally honest with myself – I know its because I don’t feel like I’m deserving…not just with this but this has been a pattern of thinking that I’ve developed over the years – always second-guessing positive things that happen to me…always waiting for the shoe to drop.

Fake.
Fraud.
Phoney.
You don’t deserve to be loved on…
You’re not good enough…
Eventually people are going to see that you are not worthy…

I always feel like there is someone more deserving – that I haven’t really done anything significant to be loved on so much…

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”
-John 10:10

This is a lie that is being planted by the Enemy – one that I need to rebuke because if I go down that rabbit hole…its going to be really hard to pull me out.

Are you not MY daughter? Are you not MY beloved?
-God

The battle with cancer is not just a physical one…  I know that this is a time for me to be tested in more ways than one…right now my battle is a mental and spiritual one.

“Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.”
-1 Peter 5:8

I need to let go of this old way of thinking….this weight that I have been carrying for more than 20 years…because the Enemy is using this to try to break me but I have to remember that I have an army of prayer warriors behind me…who will carry me when at my weakest…

I’m flattered Satan that you are trying really hard to bring me down…must mean that I’m doing something right for you to feel so threatened…

Tim and I had to attend a chemo class at Kaiser tonight.  It was meant to be informative – but it was pretty dang depressing…and when you combine that with people who mean well but don’t realize that sometimes its a little too much too soon…here’s a tip: people who just received a cancer diagnosis DON’T want to hear the chemo horror stories…at least I don’t right now…yet another way that I’m feeling attacked…my mind gets filled with the “what-ifs”

What if you have a rare reaction…
What if the chemo doesn’t work…
What if you’re not as strong as you think you are…
What if..
What if..
What if…

“But now, this is what the LORD says— he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.”
-Isaiah 43:1

This is where it stops…this is where I let go and lay it at the cross…because I cannot go down that road…

“Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
-Philippians 1:6

Round 2 starts on Friday…this is just the beginning…I refuse to give in to the negative…I am going to see this through and I’m going to let the Light shine bright…this will not defeat me…this will not break me…

Get it together, warrior…we’ve got things to do…

“She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future…”
-Proverbs 31:25

The next couple of days I have dinner dates with some of my favorite people…and I’m going to enjoy their company and I’m going to laugh without fear of the future…because my future is not going to include me wallowing in my own self-pity…its not going to include my doubting and feeling unworthy anymore..

Sorry, not sorry Satan..I will always win because I am His…

 

 

Happy Father’s Day!

Day 22, Sunday, June 18, 2017

This morning I woke up and realized that I had a huge bald spot on the front of my head!  I guess during the night, my hair decided it was done being on my head and rubbed off on the pillow while I was sleeping.  It was honestly such a weird thing for me the last few days to be able to reach up and run my hand on my scalp and have chunks of hair come out.  It didn’t hurt at all and all I had to do was slightly tug on some hair and it would come right out.

So this morning, I decided it was time for it ALL to come off.  I went from having a buzzed head to having an officially bald head! I mean it is BALD…like a baby bald! Nothing prepared me for how challenging it would be to shave my own head…especially since I had no shaving cream on hand and had to use hair conditioner…I did rub some oil on my head after it was all done because I was worried that my scalp would dry out…so fellow baldies throw some pointers my way on how to keep a nice scalp during the summertime! I don’t think I’m brave enough to rock the bald..I was ok with the buzzcut…bald not so much…but thankfully my thoughtful friend, Kelly bought me some awesome scarf/caps that are super thin and cute….thanks lady! Our youngest, Eli is loving my new “style” and won’t stop rubbing my head LOL.

 

Smooth and soft =)

My new cap/scarf from Kelly =)

Shaving my head wasn’t as bad as cutting my hair.  I think cutting it early had a lot to do with lessening the shock.  So I would highly suggest that anyone going through the same thing, cut it early in the process so its not as traumatic when you have to go completely bald.  In an odd way, shaving my head was liberating….like I was finally embracing the fact that I have no hair…or maybe it had something to do with it being super hot today so having a bald head made it a lot cooler.  The heat was horrible on my body today.  I could only stand in the sun for 10 minutes before I felt my body go to shut-down mode.  Not looking forward to the rest of the week since its only going to get hotter…

We celebrated Father’s Day by going to church this morning, followed by a trip to Lowe’s and then Chinese food for lunch…then Tim and I crashed on the couch and napped the afternoon away while the kids played Minecraft and bummed out.  Tim is helping me to portion control my food with smaller servings since Round 2 is probably when I will not be wanting to eat as much…but since this is my birthday week – I am going to treat myself a few times more than I should.

Chemo Brain

Day 20, Friday, June 16, 2017

This morning, I had the chance to sit down to breakfast with my good friend, Stephanie and realized how much my life has changed from just a few years ago .  I had never been the type of person who had a lot of friends.  Tim used to be worried that I had no friends.  I had a couple of close friends, but they lived far away and I usually only saw them once or twice a year.  When I was in my twenties, I had convinced myself that other females were too much drama and that I was much better off steering clear.  I had been burned too many times by very toxic friendships and I didn’t want to bother with creating new ones only to be disappointed and hurt again.  The older I got, I realized more and more that I really did long for deeper relationships with other women – so I prayed.

Today I can say that I have a strong network of women who I consider more family than friends.  God has blessed me by not only bringing me friendships, but bringing the type of people in my life that help to build me up, keep me accountable, and help me to grow and challenge me.  Whether they are friends from church, my neighbors, work, jiu jitsu, wherever – God has really answered what I asked for and then some…

“Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art… It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.”
-C.S. Lewis

I was also able to spend some time with Grace and Quennie.  Grace was my very first training partner in jiu jitsu – someone that I will always remember for getting me addicted to training because she made it so much fun my first time.  Quennie trains with us as well and on top of being an amazing cook, she is an amazing woman of God.  Both she and Grace are strong godly women…being able to be in their company along with my breakfast with Stephanie this morning were nice reminders that it is possible to have relationships with other women that are positive and uplifting despite what I had tried to convince myself of as a younger adult.

“Iron sharpens iron; so one man sharpens another.”
-Proverbs 27:17

Love you Quennie and Grace!

This afternoon, my family and I decided to go to the store together so I could try out my new face mask that I sewed early today.  Even though I had my mask on, the different smells throughout the store was too much for me and I got a really bad case of nausea.  It felt as if my sense of smell was amplified five times more than normal and even being a few feet away from the laundry detergent aisle was enough to make me gag.

I also had my first few official “chemo brain” experiences today.  Chemo brain is the mental fog that happens to cancer patients while they are undergoing treatment.  Even though the cause is unknown, many people going through chemo report having issues with short-term memory.  Tim used to tell me that he suffered from chemo brain and often couldn’t remember details or sometimes whole days while he was going through chemo.  I never really understood what he meant until today.  Earlier today, I was making a grocery list and I had a hard time trying to figure out how to spell goggles..like swimming goggles…  I kept staring at the list trying to figure out whether it was “goggles” or “googles”.  I stared at the word for ten minutes trying to sound it out….but nothing was firing…I was drawing a blank….

This afternoon, I was trying to read directions on the sewing pattern I was using and had to read and re-read the first set of directions maybe 6 times over and over before I could figure out what I was doing. And then this evening, Tim asked me to get something from the laundry room and when I came back to sit on the couch I started looking for my phone…but I couldn’t remember where I had placed it.

Of course I would turn my phone to silent tonight, which I don’t ever do…

I spent a good 15 minutes trying to retrace my steps and then another five more minutes sitting on the couch struggling to figure out what the heck I did with it.  Sounds silly right?  But I’m not a forgetful person and to sit there and really, really have to think about something as simple as where I set my phone down is something new for me.  It means that I will really need to buckle down and take things slow so that I can really concentrate on what I need to do…and it also means I need to start putting post-it notes everywhere to keep me on task…

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
Matthew 6:34

 

Sleeping Baldy…

Day 18, Wednesday, June 14, 2017

“When you lie down, you will not be afraid, when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.”
-Proverbs 3:24

Sleep has been escaping me since I got home from the hospital.  I’m not sure if its because being there for a week really messed up my sleeping patterns or if its a side effect of the chemo…but I haven’t been able to get a straight nights sleep.  When I went to my primary care physician on Monday, I asked the doctor what was going on and he said its probably a combination of everything but insomnia is a common side effect of the chemo.  So Monday, I picked up a bottle of liquid Melatonin and before bed I took four drops and I was OUT.

I literally lost most of the day Tuesday because I think my body finally remembered what its like to sleep for more than two hours at a time and every chance I got, my body would drift off into a deep sleep.

Yesterday I went out for the first time with my newly shaved head.

It was nerve-wracking…

I was preparing myself for the weird looks or the little kids pointing at me and going, “Hey, where’s all your hair?” but after a little bit, I just embraced it…here’s the thing: the more I was self-conscious about it – the more people noticed…and once I went about my business like it wasn’t a big deal – the less people around me made a big deal.  Only a few times when I was out running a few errands did I get the “oh you poor thing” look but it wasn’t too bad…Tim says I have a nice round head for being bald and that he likes it because he can really focus on my eyes…(isn’t he the sweetest?)

“You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you.”
-Song of Solomon 4:7

Today, I tried wearing a head scarf on my head, but it was too hot due to the heatwave going on and probably too thick so I ended up taking it off anyway.  I’m probably going to order a couple of these bamboo chemo caps because they are super cool…like temperature cool for the summer heat..not like cool kid cool…although they are very pretty and I’m pretty sure I can ROCK these once all my hair falls out.

 

I’m starting to notice that I’m fatigued not just tired, it’s getting harder to focus too long on one thing and I’m gassing out a lot quicker than I’m used to.  Usually, I’m non-stop from 5:30 a.m. until 10:00 p.m. – now I’m up at 6:30 a.m. and I’m done by around noon…I’m starting to notice patches of hair on my arms and nose hairs coming out if I blow my nose.

Yeah, I know, gross, right?

It’s frustrating and annoying but I just have to keep reminding myself that this is all temporary…all the symptoms, and fatigue and ache…even though it seems like its happening really fast and all at once, this too shall pass.

Don’t hesitate to snap me out of it if I’m being whiny…

But this is just a taste of what some people have to go through all the time with chronic pain and I’ve been taking my health for granted.  I’m getting a tiny glimpse of what its like to fight to get up in the morning and its rough.   And this is just Round 1….

Someday I’ll get to look back and go “Hey, I survived cancer…what’s next to conquer?”

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
-John 16;33

It’s a Little Bit Colder…

Day 16, Monday, June 12, 2017

Oh Mondays… usually, its my least favorite day of the week – but this morning I was excited because I was going to stop in at work for the first time since everything happened.  Yeah, I know, I’m a weirdo – I actually enjoy where I work…not just because of the people there but because I actually like the work that I do.  So this morning, I was so excited to be able to get back to my normal routine that I even forgot to eat breakfast.

Like an excited little kid, I got to the office only to be given one of the sweetest welcome back greetings by the ladies in my office.  They have been keeping up on what was happening with me through my blog and were thinking about me and praying for me this entire time.  They had taken the time last week to make sure the office was wiped down and clean and everyone had also come together to create this beautiful gift basket of things that I am DEFINITELY going to be using while I’m in chemo:

I’ve only been at this job since December, but it didn’t take me very long to figure out that I had stepped into a tight-knit family atmosphere.  The morning was over so quickly and before I knew it, it was almost noon and I was beginning to feel my body hitting its limit.  Everyone at work was really supportive – checking on me and making sure that I’m listening to my body so I’m sure that I’ll be given loving, gentle reminders by them when they see me pushing too hard.  For now, the plan is work when I can but the main focus on going to be getting me back to good health.  Its a huge relief to know that there’s no pressure at work and they genuinely want me to take the time to get better.

This afternoon, I went to doctor to make sure that I catch whatever infection I have early and get it knocked out quickly.  It turns out I have both a sinus infection and an upper respiratory infection – so the doctor gave me a strong round of antibiotics for the next week.  He also reminded me that I need to be wearing a face mask when I’m in public.  White blood cell counts tend to dip to their lowest between days 7 and 12 after your dose of chemo, so since I’m in that time frame right now, I need to be extra careful.  A new friend dropped by some face masks for me to use so from now on I will have a supply kept in my purse for when I’m out and about.  No more hugs from now on…which is a bummer because some people give really good hugs! But its just temporary.

While I was sitting in the pharmacy waiting for my prescription, I felt an itch on the back of my head and went to scratch it.  A thick lock of hair came out.

What the french toast….

 I wasn’t pulling or trying to yank it out.  It just…came out.  I thought I had more time…  All the cancer forums say that you usually don’t start losing hair until 14 days after your first dose, sometimes not until well into your 2nd or 3rd cycle.

It was on the internet! It has to be true!

As soon as I got home, I told Tim he needed to get the clippers out…

I probably should have waited and called Michelle so she could come over and do it the proper way, but I freaked out and just wanted to get it over with.

The girls sat in and watched as Tim gently shaved my hair.

More crying…but only briefly before I started laughing and realized that I look a whole lot like my little brother now.  Obviously, I’m still the better looking one (sorry, broham)…

So here is the new look:

I’m considering dressing up as Negasonic Teenage Warhead (non-nerds will have to Google…sorry) for Halloween.  Its patchy mostly in the back and a little on the side, but eventually I’ll have a completely smooth head.  Time to bust out the scarves!

Another step in the process…but another step closer to killing George, right?

“I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.”
-John 14:27

More Blessed to Give…

Day 15, Sunday, June 11, 2017

“In everything I did, I showed you that by this kind of hard work we must help the weak, remembering the words the Lord Jesus himself said: ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’ ”
-Acts 20: 35

This morning Tim and I were given the opportunity to share with our church family a little bit of our story and how we’ve been dealing with the last couple of weeks.  We were able to tell people  what I am diagnosed with officially and what the treatment plan is going to look like for the next 16 weeks.  I don’t even have enough words to express how much of a blessing it is to be able to sit in front of my church family and be able to thank everyone for everything that have done, are doing and will do for us as we start this battle.

Tim is an extrovert – he thrives on the energy of the people around him.  I’m in introvert.  Most people think of introverts as being reserved, quiet and timid – all of which I am not….but I really am an introvert.  When I have had too much socializing, all I want to do is run home, curl up in a ball and re-energize.  So today, in between services was really challenging for me because so many people had even more love and prayer to pour onto me.  Being able to connect with people who have their own stories and victories and being loved on in between services was another way of God reinforcing that we are not alone in this and its the best feeling knowing that I have an army of warriors who are going to pray with us and for us until I beat this.

I don’t believe that God is going to wait until I have beat the cancer in order for something good to come out of it because good things are already happening and I am barely scratching the surface.  I’ve connected with people that I wouldn’t normally connect with because its too outside my comfort zone to approach new faces – but lately I’ve had to really be open to receiving people that God is strategically placing in my life to help me during this season.

We had a birthday party in the afternoon and I ended up falling asleep on a lawn chair during the party because the morning wiped me out.

I’m already starting to notice more hair coming out – someone suggested today that I stop using shampoo because it might speed up the process.  Its getting to the point where I’m almost dreading the thought of getting into the shower every morning but I think cutting my hair short early in the process is going to lessen the trauma when my hair decides to come out completely…

Tomorrow I’m headed to the doctor – I’m pretty sure I have an upper respiratory infection since I’ve been coughing even more than usual and now I’m starting to notice green stuff when I cough so I’d rather be safe than sorry.  So today, I’ve decided that I need to be more diligent about wiping everything down and getting in the habit of washing my hands regularly…and also having to buckle down on the kids about germs.

Tonight’s post is short because I’m more tired than I thought I was…again a learning process with how much I can take….thank you to everyone who took the time to share with me today and pray with me.  It was nice putting names to faces and hearing how you are following my blog…please keep the texts and messages coming…I know I’ll need to lean on them later down the road when things get more challenging!