Pets, PET Scans & Pain

Day 55, Friday, July 21, 2017

Our family remembers the day very clearly: it was a four years ago on a rainy day in April and it was very cold…we were coming back home from a family outing and as we all got out of the car – there he was on our front lawn…this muddy, monster of a dog sitting in front of our porch – no collar, no tag and no one around looking for him.  Tim ordered us back into the car since all the kids had jumped out and were walking towards him.

Get back in the car right now, until I can figure this guy out…

And before I could pick Eli up and put him back in the backseat the muddy monster quickly trotted towards our baby boy…Eli was a little less a year old and barely walking and before we knew it, the dog was gently licking Eli’s face and wagging his tail.  We tried to shoo him away, but he just sat there stubbornly as if he was asking us, “Are you going to let me in or what?”

Of course the girls fell in love with him right away and in less than an hour, our oldest, Jamie Lynn, had rough drafted a contract stating that she would be responsible for the dog and clean up after him and feed him and bathe him if we would let them keep the dog.  We called everywhere to get the dog back to his home but he wasn’t microchipped and no one responded when we put up ads online saying we had found a stray….and that’s how we ended up with Bear…

For four years, Bear has been our family dog – the worst guard dog ever and we would make bets that if ever our house got broken into, Bear wouldn’t even bother to get up from his favorite spot in the front room – he would just lift his head, yawn loudly and let the robber step over him.  No matter how much the kids tugged and pulled and picked on him, and no matter how much our younger puppy Harley annoyed him and growled at him and nipped at him…Bear was always just happy to be around us and sleep the day away….Lately, we noticed that Bear was going down hill quickly.  He seemed to be losing his hearing, panting a lot more than usual, losing a lot more weight quickly and last week when we noticed that Bear had been losing control of his bodily functions – we had to have a really hard conversation on whether to keep letting him go downhill or make it so that he wasn’t suffering anymore.

Yesterday, we decided that it was too much for our old Bear to handle and we decided to that it was best to put him to sleep.   The kids were devastated.  Tim and I were devastated.  We spent our morning loving on our gentle giant and saying our goodbyes.  It was my job to take him in…I noticed there was a dog park next to the Humane Society and so in my effort to prolong the inevitable, I took Bear for one last time in the park – and I got a chance to see him play like a puppy again…it was as if he knew what was coming too and decided to have one last hurrah…After about 20 minutes, Bear’s old body was done and he came to me panting and almost smiling as if to say, “Okay, I’m ready…”

We walked into the office and while the staff were preparing his paperwork, I got to sit with my old boy for the last time.  Bear has a special way of laying his big bumbling head on my lap so that I can get to his favorite spot on his neck to scratch it…and if I dare to stop then up goes his enormous front paw to tell me to keep going.  And there I sat in the lobby for a good 15 minutes, blubbering like a child over our Bear…and just like he licked Eli’s face ever so gently for the first time four years ago…Bear lapped up my salty tears and breathed his horrendous dog breath in my face trying to comfort me like he always does when he knows I’m not feeling well…every morning since I’ve started chemo its been Bear’s ritual to wake me up in the morning with a face lick and his stinky breath to make sure that I’m okay…and it broke my heart to think that I wouldn’t be getting my “morning kiss” the next day.

When it was time for him to go in, the staff went ahead and let me go back with him even though they were going to charge me extra to watch them put Bear down…I guess the receptionist felt bad enough for me and let me go with him without paying the extra fee…and I got to be with Bear as he peacefully went to sleep…

Our beautiful Bear…

This week has been rough and yesterday made things worse for me…not only was I physically exhausted but I was mentally unprepared to let go of our Bear so suddenly.  It was just another reminder of how quickly things can go from normal to all of a sudden your body is breaking down and you just can’t take it anymore.  So yesterday, I was just miserable…and helpless…

I had a PET (Positron Emission Tomography) scan on Tuesday.  Its kind of like a CT scan but they shoot radioactive tracers into your bloodstream through a vein in your arm so they can see where there is any disease in your body.

PET scan machine at Kaiser…probably shouldn’t have my phone on in the room…oops

It took the technician four tries to find a good vein and I was ready to stab her with the needle after the 3rd time…it really wasn’t her fault…its chemo’s fault…all the chemicals I get shot with make my veins collapse and make it hard to find good ones…and since I just had chemo last Friday, my arms were still sore and super sensitive to the dye they injected me with.

I haven’t heard back with the results yet and since it’s almost 5 p.m., I probably won’t hear anything until next week…you’ll know when I know…

A friend messaged me the other day saying that she missed my blog posts and I responded that I wasn’t posting as much because I didn’t want to complain about being in pain all the time…well today I’m going to give in and complain.

Round 3 SUUUUUUCKS.  I know that the doctors and nurses warned me that it would get progressively worse each round – but…

What the frickin’ actual heck?!?

The nerve pain I mentioned in Round 2 – yeah that’s all the time now…even when I’m medicating – it doesn’t ever go away…and the insomnia is back….like my brain wakes up at exactly 1:53 a.m. every morning and goes:

Hey, you know what we haven’t thought about in a while?
Monsters…

Yes, I realize that I’m a 33-year old grown woman (haha…insert short girl joke here), but I am still afraid of the dark…so judge me however you want to but I still refuse to go downstairs by myself at night…if I wake up in the middle of the night and want a drink of water…well my cowardly little behind will wait, stay in bed and go thirsty until I can see daylight coming through the window…

Its maddening what is happening to my body.  Non-stop pain, nausea, bruised nailbeds, nails that break off from washing the dishes, the worst hot flashes imaginable…I can’t eat…I can’t sleep…not to mention how much of a capital B-rhymes-with-witch I have been to everyone close to me because I’m just beyond frustrated with my situation…I know that its part of the process, but I’m so very tired of being tired and I’m just halfway through…

My apologies for those who were expecting more frequent postings but I’ve been trying to update when I have something worthy of sharing.  I don’t want to post about every single little thing that happens to me because honestly…its mostly the same every day and I’m usually sleeping through it.  The vaping and the cannabis helps but the pain never really goes away.  I had assumed that the week right after chemo treatments would be the worst and then it would let up in between but that hasn’t been the case…..its just constant which is draining in every way possible.  I wouldn’t wish this on anyone and I know that there are many out there with much worse situations than mine…and for all my complaining and ranting and raving…I know that there is a purpose….

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us…”
-Hebrews 12:1

Here’s to Bear and knowing that he is getting belly rubs from the Big Guy in the Sky…
We love you and we miss you old man…

 

It Is Well…

Day 49, Saturday, July 15, 2017

This week has been C-R-A-Z-Y! But in a good way! Vacation Bible School (VBS) at our church was this week and Tim and I transformed into “Captain Shield” and his sidekick “Flame the Red Panda”.  We agreed to help make the week a fun time for the kids by being the MC’s months before we knew that I was going to be dealing with the cancer and for awhile after I was diagnosed, I wasn’t sure whether or not I was going to go through with it because I didn’t know whether or not my body was going to let me….and my body tried very, very hard this week to keep me down but

The show must go on!

In my head, nothing was going to keep me from being able to share the fun of God’s Word with the 150+ kiddos and although each night took its toll, seeing how much the kids were enjoying their time together at the church and learning about being heroes for God was worth every ache, pain, and protest that my body was throwing out at me.  By day 4, I was having to pull very deep within me to put on a smile and give my energy to the kids – but it was so worth it! Thank you to one of my beautiful besties, Charlene for transforming me into a red panda every day! And thank you Stephanie for putting together a great program for the kids!

“Flame the Red Panda” & “Captain Shield”

Crazy hair day…crazy because pandas don’t have hair (neither do I! LOL)

VBS ended on Thursday but the crazy week wasn’t over just yet…

Friday was my 1st day of the 3rd Round of Chemo! Almost halfway there! Another scan will be done at the end of the month or at the beginning of August to see how much the tumor has changed and the oncologist will go off the scans to determine whether or not I’ll need radiation or additional chemo. Prayers please for only 3 more rounds or less and no needed radiation! I haven’t had another scan since I was in the hospital in June, but I know that George has to be shrinking in there because I no longer have the annoying couch I used to have and because I can take a deep breath without struggling.

I don’t need the scan to tell me George is dying!

No private room this time at chemo, but since we got there early I was able to choose the coveted “window seat” which is the last chemo chair at the end of the room with the only view of the outside and away from a lot of the noise.  Charlene was at the house to pick me up early with coffee and breakfast and spent the morning with me during my chemo until Tim came around noon to bring us lunch.

The chemo hurt this time going in especially when it was time for the Red Devil…the nurse called it the Red Dragon but its the same thing…she reminded me that each treatment is progressive, so it is going to get worse and worse each time but I just need to stick out for a little longer so my body can heal and recover and kill the cancer/George.

The appointment was a little under 6 hours which is quicker than last time and I felt the nausea and fatigue while I was in the appointment.  Normally, I don’t start getting nauseous until I’m already settled at home, but the heat could have a lot to do with me feeling yucky faster too.

We finally got home around 3 o’clock and I slept until 6 when a family friend came to drop off the kids favorite – well actually Gigi’s Filipino spaghetti is the new family favorite – but Chinese food from China Bros. is the close second…

Tim and I are still deciding whether or not we would like to keep it going because we know its asking a lot of everyone especially with all the different things I can and can’t eat.  The meal train has been fantastic and a HUGE help to us while I’m going through chemo! So thank you to everyone who has pitched in to help us out and also introducing us to some amazing recipes that we will continue to try to make in the future! We are thinking about just downsizing it to the week after I have chemo since those are the weeks I felt completely zapped and it is easier on Tim to not have to worry about how the kids are going to get fed.

We ended the week by going to the Faith and Family Night at Storm Stadium in Lake Elsinore.  Our church goes every year to watch the game together and enjoy a night out with prayer and worship songs with other local churches.  The kids love playing on the “hill”, getting to eat ice cream, watching Thunder the team mascot and Ace the Squirrel and watching the fireworks at the end of the game.

“So I concluded there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can. And people should eat and drink and enjoy the fruits of their labor, for these are gifts from God.”
-Ecclesiastes 3:12-13

I’m looking forward to a quiet week next week compared to this week, especially after this round of chemo.  This morning, as a type this, my hands are stiff and painful and my feet are tingling and it hurts to take a step.  The last two rounds have been very different from each other so I’m going into Round 3 not knowing what is in store for me…I only know that whatever comes – I’m going to keeping pushing forward…

Far be it from me to not believe
Even when my eyes can’t see

And this mountain that’s in front of me
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well

Healing in the Hush…

Day 41, Friday, July 7, 2017

Cancer isn’t always doom and gloom and sad faces all the time…I choose to find more reasons to laugh than cry and to even find the joy in this hard season.  The other day I got a text from a friend who I haven’t heard from in a long time.  They shared that they had been watching my posts on Facebook, had been following my blog and really wanted to reach out, but they had never knew someone with cancer before and they didn’t know what to do or say…and I get it.

No matter who it is: a friend, a family member, a neighbor, a coworker, or even an acquaintance – when someone you know is diagnosed with cancer even the most eloquent of people can get tongue-tied.

I’m almost a month and a half into this rollercoaster ride and I am by no means the cancer expert – but I heard a phrase from another friend that got my hamster wheels churning:

Healing in the hush…

So this blog post is going to be a little bit of an advice post based on things that I’ve had happen or actually said to me.  Everyone is different and I don’t consider myself a “delicate flower” so I tend to let things roll off my shoulder where others would be offended or upset.  If you’ve said these things to me, it’s ok – we are totally cool…just, you know, but maybe consider some of the things I’m going to tell you for next time?

When someone shares with you the news that they have cancer, here are things to keep in mind:

• Don’t say, “Lung cancer?!? I didn’t know you smoked!”
  I don’t smoke…its true certain behaviors can increase the chances of being diagnosed with certain cancers…but saying stuff like this kind of sounds condescending and judge-y, don’t you think? In my case, I have no family history of cancer, I’m physically active, eat better than most, and I don’t work around chemicals – I didn’t DO anything to get cancer I just happened to hit the cancer lottery and ended up with this type of cancer…
• “Simply let your ‘yes’ be your ‘yes’; and your ‘no’, ‘no’…” – Matthew 5:37
  If you say you are going to commit to something, then follow-through with it…if you say you are going to be there for someone, then BE THERE.  Don’t overcommit with unrealistic promises…then work yourself up and stress yourself out and then try to get me to figure it out which then stresses me out: KISS – Keep It Simple Stup..er..Silly…..  Small things like sending an occasional encouraging text are much more powerful than over-the-top promises like “I’m going call you EVERY morning and then again in the afternoon to check on you whether you want me to or not…”..I really love you but my own husband doesn’t even call me that often…
• Don’t say, “My mom’s friend’s neighbor’s cousin has a roommate that has the same cancer as you.  Let me tell you about the horrible things they had to go through before they died!”
  I know it was meant to be…reassuring? in a way…but when you are newly diagnosed the last thing I was to hear is that a simple procedure like a blood test turned in an infection and they had to cut that person’s arm off and then they died…trust me, we do our own Google searching and and freak ourselves out enough..we don’t need your help on this one…everyone’s experience is different and everyone tolerates pain differently…
• Please don’t say things like, “Well at least you are looking skinny now…” or “You should not you be eating that junk food…”
  That’s a free pass for me to punch you in the throat…I am aware of how much weight I’ve lost or gained, how much hair I have left, how my concealer doesn’t always hide the dark circles under my eyes…I am watching what I’m eating…and sometimes my body will swell because I’m reacting to the chemo and sometimes I look thinner because I everything tastes like metal and I can’t eat…and I know I need to eat as healthy as I can right now but if I want a cookie with ice cream then let me eat the dang cookies and ice cream!
• When I say I’m OK, I really am OK…
  I’m not trying to put on a brave face or fake it…me personally…I will tell you if I’m having a good day and I won’t be afraid to tell you I’m having a crappy day either…I don’t sugar coat anything, do I look like Willy Wonka? And my answer may change from day to day…so don’t be afraid to check back once and awhile…
• Pace yourself…
  …what I mean to say is…cancer takes a long time to battle.  After things calm down, and the “shiny-toy” syndrome wears off, I’ll still need you to be here for me months after I get my diagnosis…even after the chemo is done, I’ll still have to deal with the after effects and more tests and maybe more different therapies…
• “We didn’t think you’d be up for it…”
  Don’t assume that I all of a sudden don’t want to do something fun with you just because I have cancer…keep inviting me to stuff…sometimes I won’t feel up for it…and sometimes I will want to get out of the house because I desperately need a change of scenery…
• Chemo brain is a real thing…
  If sometimes we are in a good flow of text messaging and all of a sudden I stop mid-conversation…its usually because I really thought I hit send when I didn’t….or I fell asleep…it’s not personal, really! My body is doing all kinds of weird things and I can go from the energizer bunny to asleep sitting up in 2 seconds….
• Don’t make the “awww your poor thing” face at me…
  Lately, I’ve been walking around with no head scarf…just a bald head exposed because it’s so friggen’ HOT in California right now…the lady at Winco who rang me up today raised her eyebrows at me and made “the face”…and I couldn’t tell if she was constipated or if she was going to cry…yes, I have cancer…there’s no need to stare me like you’re looking at the wonky one-eyed cat at the animal shelter with the Sarah McLaughlin “Angel” song in the background…
• Be normal (or as normal as possible).
  Come Netflix and chill with me anytime.  Give me crap.  Call me and talk about something funny or petty that happened to you today.  Cancer is not contagious and I’m not made of China…I won’t break because you have something yucky you need to share with me.  Don’t be afraid to ask me any “stupid” questions about what I’m going through…if I want to talk about it, I will and if I don’t, I’ll let you know – respect that.
• “…”
  Whatever you do, don’t say nothing…say something, anything, please! Don’t be afraid to come out of the woodwork…even if its been years…if you feel called to reach out, then do it.  And when you do reach out and I don’t respond right away, it doesn’t mean that I don’t care…sometimes the fatigue takes its toll…or sometimes chemo brain kicked in…it means a lot to me when you reach out…

 

Out of Control

Day 35, Saturday, July 1, 2017

This whole week has been a quiet one…Monday started off as a bad day and ended…and then Tuesday through Friday was quiet mostly because I filled it with lots of naps…Round 2 is proving to be a lot different from the last round with new symptoms.

Just when I think I have a handle on things, cancer throws a curveball and goes:

Let’s see how you deal with this one…

Not one blog or pamphlet or WedMD symptom checker prepared me for the sporadic nerve pain that this week brought.  I had read about tingling of my hands and feet, but not the random shooting pain all over….my body felt like it was getting shocked in different places all at the same time, one right after another…and my only solution was to sleep so I couldn’t feel it anymore…even with my meds it was exhausting getting a small break only to be constantly tense waiting for the next wave to come in…my back and shoulders hold all the tension as I unconsciously brace myself for the pain.  Nothing prepares you for the increasing, daily mental battle of seeing yourself physically changing in the mirror every morning…more hair loss, dark circles under the eyes, nail beds turning black and blue…

This too shall pass…
Pain is just temporary…
Pain is weakness leaving the body…
[insert inspirational, motivational quote about pain here]

Come on..let’s be real…it’s crappy…

I can see how it would be easier for me to just sit in the pain and be angry, crabby, bitter and depressed…but like Tim will tell you…I don’t choose the easy road very often…I choose the most challenging, hardest route because I’m stubborn like that…

I’m not trying to put up a “strong front”…I’m not trying to be a cancer poster-child…this is the only way I know how to cope…I’ve tried to put on the “eff you cancer” attitude, but that’s not me..I’m too silly to be angry for very long….neither is the sad-eyes-whoa-is-me-my-life-sucks victim style…

Suck it up and buckle up buttercup…

That’s more me…

I’m an analyzer…so much so that its literally what I get paid to do at work…I’m an analyst…I see a situation and I think of a bunch of different ways to approach it, deal with it and move on to the next challenge…and this is what cancer is to me…something that I am going to handle and move on to the next thing life throws my way…something that I know is not going to last forever…its a few months…a short season…

I can’t control the cancer…I can’t “put it out into the universe” and meditate the cancer away…I can’t make it shrink faster…I can’t stop my body from going wonky and reacting in the weird ways that it does…

I can’t control the situation…I can only control how I react to the situation…the rest of it God has control of…and whether He decides to heal me tomorrow or to allow the chemo to work its full course in the next 4 months before the cancer shrinks…life will continue to go on…

I can let the cancer consume me…dictate my mood and what I do day to day…or I can let God handle the healing while I learn all the things that I wouldn’t have paid attention to if I had never received my diagnosis…to learn the lessons that God has placed before me to learn…

Cancer is a good reminder that no matter how much I feel like I’m in control…I’m not.  I have no control of anything…I can’t control my husband or my kids or my job or my future or my past…

Most everyone has heard of or read the Serenity Prayer:

But most people don’t realize there is more than just those 24 words…it keeps going:

Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it.
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His will.
That I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with Him forever in the next.

Amen.

I have four more cycles left…maybe even two more after that and maybe some radiation…I don’t know what I’m going to face…I don’t know what kind of pain I’m going to have today…

What I do know is that I can dread the terrible…or I can focus on the fact that today I’m going to Lowe’s with my husband and picking up wood for a few home projects…and that later we are going to surprise the kids with FroYo…and tonight we are going to stuff our faces with funnel cake and lemonade while we watch fireworks at the park…What I do know…is that I have a God that is in complete control of me…and knowing that is the first step to serenity in my life…

“The Lord gives strength to his people and blesses them with peace.”
-Psalm 29: 11