Challenge Accepted…

Day 274, Monday, February 26, 2018

Can it really be almost 3 months since my last post? And almost three months before the 1st anniversary of my diagnosis? Tim mentioned that I should post again to update everyone of where I’m at…actually his words were: “You know…so people don’t think that you died or something…”  Well, I didn’t die…I’m still here…just trying to figure how things function after cancer.  You would think that life just goes back to normal once the treatments stop…but you find out that you are never, ever the same…

So radiation is officially done and over…and man it was a rough ride.  Not quite as bad as chemo but it was still hard to get through.  For three weeks, I had to drive back and forth mostly in the mornings to get my radiation therapy.  It usually took less than an hour for each treatment from start to finish, but that doesn’t include the time it takes to sit in traffic to get from my appointments to work.  I didn’t experience any radiation burn until after the treatments stopped, but I was really drained and tired.  I had grand dreams of starting off the New Year by working out every day and getting back on track with my meal prepping, but yet again my body decided it had a plan of its own and I was usually napping or couldn’t muster enough energy to do much of anything.  Strangely enough, even though the radiation was targeted at my lungs, I ended up losing my voice for a little bit (which I’m sure the hubby secretly enjoyed..).

When the radiation therapy sessions stopped, I thought that I had gotten by without major damage, only to wake up one morning almost a week after I finished with some pretty serious radiation burn in my armpits of all places.  Have you ever had a really, horrible sunburn? Well if you haven’t this is what I had to go through:

Stage 1 – your skin puts up a fight…you’re a little red and warm in the sunburn area, but you think “Oh, I’ll be fine by tomorrow…”

Stage 2 – you start to feel a little flu-ey…the sunburn area isn’t warm anymore…its scorching hot..and your body goes “Whoa there killer..we need to slow it down a bit…”

Stage 3 – Lobster Time – your skin turns super red…which for me is harder to do since I’m tanner than most…but man it looked like someone took red paint and brushed it under my arms

Stage 4 – Sticky, gooey grossness…you scour and scramble for aloe gel, calendula oil, tea bags, ice, butter…ANYTHING that will calm the angry burn…and heaven help you if you forget that you’re burnt and you let the shower hit it…holy freaking cannoli…

Stage 5 – Peeling and healing time – I found out firsthand…one of the grossest places to peel is in your armpits…so long tank tops…no one wants to see you raise your hand and have you look like you walked off the set of The Walking Dead..

Stage 6 – “Why are you sitting that way?” Because my armpits are itchy and gross and I smell like a hippie..no shaving, no deodorant, definitely no hug time…

But unlike regular sunburn…you get to repeat Stages 2-5 over and over in the course of a month before your radiation burn decides it is finally done wrecking havoc…

On the positive side, my hair is growing…like super fast…and its not nappy…well..not AS nappy…not quite the straight out of a Pantene Pro-V commercial hair that I hoped I would get…but its softer and wavier than I’ve ever had…I actually have to use product in the mornings now so I don’t end up looking like a fuzzy Q-Tip…

Still no positive steps to losing the chemo/steroid weight, but at my last appointment I asked if all the chemicals and treatments might have an effect on my hormones and thyroid and the doctor’s answer was to give me a blood test to check my thyroid.  I have  TSH levels that are within range (“normal” according to the doctor) and borderline low Free T4 levels…so I can’t get referred to a endocrinologist until my levels are “abnormal”.

I went vegetarian at the beginning of the year..and noticed that not only did my energy levels tank even lower, but my weight gain shot up even faster…maybe it was too much carbs since my body hates carbs apparently…I started adding back in some chicken in my diet and I can noticeably feel that my body was needing the protein…so I’m still trying to figure out what direction to go in with that…

The other day someone asked my how I was doing and I said “Oh I’m ok…” and then they stopped and looked at me and said, “Oh don’t worry..you’ll get over it…”

So the thing with cancer is that it isn’t over once you’re “cured”…I mean not really…I don’t think I’m just supposed to “get over it..”  Its not in my face all the time like it was before and there are some days when I can forget for a little that I just finished treatment…but its still always there…and something that I just have to be okay with…and honestly I don’t think that I had to go through all this without there being a purpose…there is something….more…

The Word tells us to trust in God’s timing:

“Rest in the Lord; wait patiently for Him to act…” – Psalm 37:7

So I’m just resting and waiting…I know that God’s not done using this yet, but I haven’t figured out what I’m supposed to do..it hasn’t been revealed to me…but it will…things come to me from Him in bits in pieces..and I’m not quite sure if its chemo brain still lingering…or if its God piecing it to me slowly, building up to the time when He says “OK girl…now put it all together and GO!”

I’ve read a lot of “life after cancer” articles…and most of them are so…bitter, sad, frustrated…lots of “I’m just waiting for it to come back” and “no one understands you after what you’ve been through”..”life is lonely after cancer”…

No thanks! That’s just not how I roll…

I get to figure out what “life after cancer” is going to be for ME…I know that it’s not going to be living in fear of it coming back…I know that its not going to take anymore time away from family than it has already taken…I’m not a victim…I’m not a shell of a person…Cancer didn’t “shape me into the person I am today” as one article put it…I know who I was before I got diagnosed…I am HIS…His daughter, His princess, His warrior…not different…just with more tools under my belt to help for the next challenge whenever that comes…I’ve even got a t-shirt from my friend, Katherine for it now that says:

Challenge Accepted.