Day 119, Saturday, September 23, 2017
The day had finally come – my last dose of R-CHOP…but the morning of my appointment I still groaned as I dragged myself out of bed to head to my appointment knowing that Round 6 was going to be HARD. I had spent Monday getting blood work done and prepping for my appointment the next day. It was a bittersweet pill to swallow knowing that I was going to step into the chemo ward not knowing for certain that it was the absolute last time I would have to be there because the rest of my treatment is still up in the air until I can get results from my next PET scan.
Suck it up, buttercup and take the win…at least for today.
Putting the IV in went smoothly – only two pokes this time – which is the hardest part of chemo day for me. I had pushed my appointment a few days later for this round so that Tim and I could spend the past weekend with our church family at a marriage retreat in La Quinta. I wasn’t willing to spend my retreat weekend feeling sick when I should be focusing on my quality time with the hubby. For all intents and purposes, the appointment went well. My chemo nurses presented me with mardi gras beads and a sweet certificate that I had “officially” finished chemo (or at least R-CHOP). I got lots of hugs, kisses and well wishes from the staff and a few tears too from my favorite nurses who were bummed that I might not come back to make them laugh and cheer up the other patients. A part of me wanted to chime in that I could be back soon but I decided to keep the thought to myself…
The Red Devil decided to show me how crappy it really, really is in Round 6. The culmination of all the drugs made my body go into overdrive and it honestly was the worst experience I’ve had dealing with chemo – even worse than I thought Round 4 was. If you’ve ever watched the movie “Hitch” with Will Smith – then you’ll remember the scene where he eats shellfish and has a massive allergic reaction (if you haven’t – here you go)…
Yeah – that was me the morning after chemo looking at myself in the mirror…
My body hates the steroids I have to take as part of the chemo regimen – so everything swells – hands, feet, face, eyes and fingers. There is a tightness to your skin that happens because of the swelling that makes it painful to use your hands or close your fingers because they feel like cased sausages. Sleep became unobtainable – my body ached and writhed in pain until I would fall asleep from exhaustion only to wake up less than an hour later with sweat pouring down my back from the fevers breaking or the hot flashes would start immediately after waking up. The pressure was so severe in my head that I felt like my eyeballs were being pushed out from the inside. My throat and stomach hurt from dry heaving and the all the nausea was making me afraid to eat in fear that I wouldn’t be able to keep anything down. The most distressing side effect was the feeling that something was putting pressure on my chest and gripping around my neck at the same time – like someone constantly kneeling on top of me and choking me. No amount of medication or switching positions could relieve the symptoms and by Thursday morning I was a wreck…I had to have Tim stay home with me the whole week because I just couldn’t do it on my own and I did the only thing I could do – I cried…tears of frustration and despair as my body attacked itself in order to keep killing George. Wave after wave of tears came pouring out of me in the early dark of the mornings when I could find no relief and my body was just exhausted…
“In my distress I called to the LORD; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears.” – Psalm 18:6
I share my pain with you not because I want to pull the sympathy card or want pity from you – but to give you just a tiny glimpse of how truly hard it is for someone to physically go through chemo…because while I hope and pray that you never, ever, ever have to go through what I’m going through – the chances are that cancer will touch or has touched your life in one way or another…and you should know that cancer is not always the pink ribbons and fundraiser walks and cute scarves and Katie Perry “you’re-gonna-hear-me-roar” theme songs that sometimes its made out to be…its very scary and unsettling having to face the possibility that this thing inside of me is trying to beat me…in every possible way: physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually…that dying is a very real possibility.
So caved to George for the last three days – because I was just tired…but Friday morning, I remembered that I have three little tiny humans and a best friend/husband to take care of – getting beat down is not an option for me – dying is definitely not either.
And then God whispered this to me:
“Arise, for it is your task, and we are with you; be strong and do it.” – Ezra 10:4
So I obeyed..and did as He commanded me and I got up…God didn’t just say “I” – but “we”…and then reinforced His words to me through hugs from my kids and the presence of my husband…through FB messages and texts from friends checking up on me and opening up the mail to “get well soon” cards and a neighbor catching me outside to pray with me and for me….and then Friday night being able to ride my bike with my family and kids from Cast a Shadow during a family event and realizing that not only could I ride my bike again…but I could take a deep breath in and feel the cool, crispness of the air without struggling or coughing…
The hairs on my head are starting to grow back – Tim calls me his baby chick-a-dee because the hairs that are growing are really thin and stick straight up. We’ve been working on house projects lately – Tim built me a coffee bar and I’m repainting the dining room and kitchen. We’re making plans to fix the yard and decorate the house and making plans for Eli’s birthday and for Halloween.
My next PET scan is scheduled for next Friday the 29th and I won’t get the results from my doctor until October 5. So now its just waiting to see what’s next. This battle might 1/2 way done or it might just be beginning – I can switch the way I eat, reduce all the risk factors that I can, and follow all the right things that I’m supposed to – but ultimately I’m not in control – HE IS. I can choose to worry myself for the next two weeks or I can just lay it at His feet and keep on keeping on. So we choose the latter..because pushing forward together is not just a distraction from the cancer – its part of our recovery plan. Its about refocusing our perspective so that it is in line with His perspective…
“We don’t yet see things clearly. We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We’ll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us! – 1 Corinthians 13:12
Breathing Again... 