The Fight Within…

Day 327, Thursday, April 19, 2018

There’s an old Cherokee story that goes like this:

A young boy tells his grandfather, “A fight is going on inside me….”

And his grandfather responds, “It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil–he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.”

He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you–and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: “Which wolf will win?”

The grandfather simply replied, “The one you choose to feed.”

 

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In the months where I was hiding away and trying to be “low-key”, my church leader, Pastor Ryan had approached me and had asked me if I was willing to share again like I did last year when I was first diagnosed.  And so I said yes with a smile on my face but with my internal voices screaming:

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

And as the months went by, I thought:

Whew! That was a close one..he forgot!
So let’s not mention that again…

God knew…
He NEVER forgets.

11 days ago, I asked you to pray for me – specifically and purposefully – that God reveal to me the HOW I am supposed to do what He is asking me to do…and so without missing a beat God answered: I have been asked to share briefly my testimony as our church family delves into our next series on “Miracles” this Sunday, April 22.

Even now as I type and think about speaking in front of people, my hearts starts to race and my palms start to get sweaty…

I hear the old voices in my mind saying, “You are not ready…you are fooling yourself…you should wait a little longer before moving forward…the short time that you’ll be up there will seem like an eternity…plenty of time for you to mess up the words that you are supposed to deliver…”

I refuse to feed that wolf…and I choose instead to follow the call that He is giving…and I choose to drown out the sounds of inferiority, lies, and anxiety with Zach William’s song “Fear Is a Liar”.

I started purposefully praying about this Sunday this last Monday…and every day since then I have prayed deeply and fervently for God to lead me…and the deeper in prayer I soak and the deeper into the Word I dive…the more loudly and clearly I can feel and see His hand on all of this.

I have an overwhelming, powerful and inexplicable emotional feeling of fullness in me…and its so powerful that I can feel it shaking me to my core like a constant electric surge…like a vibration the starts in my heart and spreads throughout me…an absolute and unquestionable confirmation that I am finally moving without hesitation in the direction He has been wanting me to go…and I feel Him saying to me:

Yes, daughter, YES…
FINALLY, you are listening
FINALLY, you are trusting
THIS is the purpose for all this

And also another message from Him that I have yet to process:

This is just the START of what I want you to do for Me…

Will you allow me to share my heart with you and God’s message to you in person this Sunday? Even if Impact isn’t your home church, will you visit with me, just for the day if you can?  I loathe speaking in front of a crowd and it would be comforting for me to see familiar faces in the crowd…for you to hear what He wants to say to you through me…so you can share it with someone who may need it…or maybe bring someone that you know who might need it….

I would so love to pray with you,  over you and connect with you….and to see you in person so I can thank you for being with us during the last year!