Day 94, Tuesday, August 29, 2017
Round 5 started last Friday – which means I’m less than 21 days until my last round of R-CHOP. Many of you have been asking what is going to happen after Round 6 is done and the answer is that I don’t know…yet. I am supposed to be getting another scan between September 18 and October 4…Kaiser decides when that appointment is. I’ll have a follow-up appointment on October 5th with my oncologist and then, depending on what comes up in the scan results, I’ll either start another 3 rounds of a different type of chemo or I’ll get scheduled for radiation therapy.
The start of this Round was much better than Round 4. I really didn’t start to feel the side effects until late Sunday morning – that’s when the real crash happened. Tim and I decided last minute to get out of town after I finished chemo on Friday to support our jiu jitsu team in Vegas.
Hold the phone…before you get your eyebrows all raised..
Yes, I was super careful.
Yes, I sanitized and kept away from germy people.
Yes, I know I still have cancer and normal people usually rest after chemo.
I’m not normal people.
Here’s the thing: I needed to take this trip. Not only because we love our teammates and we want to make this trip every year – but I needed to have a little bit of my life back again. For just one weekend, I wanted to forget that I have this struggle…we had an amazing dinner at Fogo De Chao on Friday night…we spent all day Saturday watching the World Masters Championship…we got to watch a pro jiu jitsu fight…I got to take a picture with Mackenzie Dern…
We got to see the Westgate hotel burning (don’t worry..it was contained really fast)…and we ended Saturday night watching the Mayweather vs. McGregor fight with our Carlson Gracie Menifee family. No talk of cancer. For a few days, time slowed down and I was able to put cancer on a shelf for a little bit. Maybe my brain clicked into vacation mode, but I didn’t feel sick until Sunday – it was like my body was saying “ok, I’ll give you Friday and Saturday off, but we are back on track starting Sunday…” Late on Sunday morning, my body clicked back into cancer mode and caught up to me.
Christian singer, Tauren Wells, came out with a song recently called “Hills and Valleys”. His song was inspired by the quote:
“When you’re on the mountaintops of life, learn to bow low—and when you’re in the valleys of life, learn to stand tall.”
It has only been three months since my diagnosis…a little over 90 days…but man I have been through lots of hills and valleys. Lately, the valley that I’m walking through is making me struggle with my self-image. I don’t physically feel like myself anymore…its not just losing the hair – but seeing how much the rest of my body has changed is upsetting. I see a stranger in the mirror – swollen eyes, puffy face, hands and feet that feel tight all the time. My back aches and I can never get comfortable. I can’t workout or train like I used to because I’m beyond exhausted and I get winded very quickly. My weight continues to go up and up and up. It all sounds shallow and silly – but this is my personal struggle. I’ve lost control of my body because of George and the chemo and the meds and I can’t do anything but wait until the tumor is gone…and then I will be dealing with the aftermath long after the cancer has disappeared and my body recovers. Tim reassures me everyday that he still thinks I’m beautiful – and that this is just temporary and my body will go back to normal – but I have to fight the insecurities every day. I want my health back – to be able to sleep the whole night again, to be rid of the pain and the hot flashes and the ache.
“It is not fancy hair, gold jewelry, or fine clothes that should make you beautiful. No, your beauty should come from inside you –the beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit. That beauty will never disappear and it is worth very much to God.”
— 1 Peter 3:3-4
I shouldn’t be so focused on what I look like right now, but I’m still working on that. Its one of the hard and tough lessons that I have to learn. I embraced being a woman – I was made fearfully and wonderfully by Him. I enjoyed getting my hair done and getting a pedicure once in a while….getting “dolled up” for date night and shopping for clothes with my daughters. Cancer has put all that on hold for me at the moment. Cancer is forcing me to take a look at how much I really love myself from the inside out and it is a hard realization of how little I do. There are layers of damage from hurts of years ago that I have never gotten over. Things that other people have said about me, to me – even things that I have said to myself have left wounds that have never healed and turn into negative voices that I hear when the days get bad and I’m spiraling down.
I was given a quick glimpse over the hill this weekend – a quick look at a few things I want to do once I’m done fighting cancer but for now I’ll have to to get through this low valley to get to the next hill…and I know that these valleys are a part of the process that God wants me to walk through. I need to keep learning how to stand tall through the trial. Some days I can see the path clearly and other days, when that fog settles in the valley and I’m walking blindly through the mist – all I can do is trust and be faithful that He is leading me to where I need to be.
Breathing Again... 